How Childhood Relationships Affect Your Adult Attachment Style, according to Large New Study
A large new study reveals how early relationships with parents and friends influence how we relate to those closest to us in adulthood
We come into the world screaming and vulnerable—entirely dependent on adult caregivers to keep us safe and teach us how to connect with others. The nature of these earliest relationships influences how we behave towards others and see the world long after we’ve grown—but in more complex and nuanced ways than researchers previously thought, according to the results of a large, decades-long study examining how the quality of children’s interactions with parents and close peers went on to influence their relationships in adulthood.
In particular, early dynamics with mothers predicted future attachment styles for all the primary relationships in participants’ lives, including with their parents, best friends and romantic partners, the study found. “People who felt closer to their mothers and had less conflict with their mothers in childhood tended to feel more secure in all of their relationships in adulthood,” says Keely Dugan, an assistant professor of social personality psychology at the University of Missouri and lead author of the study, which was published in October in the . “That’s a really striking finding because it demonstrates the enduring impact of that first person who is supposed to be there for you.”
Early childhood friends also played a strong role in predicting how participants approached their future close friendships—and their romantic connections. “When you have those first friendships at school, that’s when you practice give-and-take dynamics,” Dugan says. “Relationships in adulthood then mirror those dynamics.”
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Researchers today define attachment styles by where people fall along two dimensions, each shaped by early experiences with caregivers. The first, attachment anxiety, measures your level of confidence in the availability and responsiveness of those you are close to. People high in attachment anxiety might have more intense fears of abandonment or need for reassurance. The second factor, attachment avoidance, involves how comfortable you feel opening up to others and depending on them for support. Those high in avoidance may believe that people cannot be counted on or trusted, so they avoid asking for help or emotional support—even if they need it. A relationship with high attachment anxiety, avoidance or both is defined as more insecure, while a relationship that is low in both attachment anxiety and avoidance is considered to be secure: “You feel comfortable and close to the other person, you trust them to be there for you, and you feel supported,” Dugan says.
It can be difficult to study exactly how early relationships go on to influence attachment style, though, because people’s retrospective reports of what happened to them in childhood are skewed by memory failings and emotional and cognitive biases, Dugan notes. Of the relatively few studies that have examined associations between early caregiving experiences and adult attachment styles, she adds, all have focused almost exclusively on a single early relationship: the maternal one.
To more deeply understand how early relationships with a wider variety of people impact attachment styles, Dugan, Fraley and their colleagues turned to a landmark longitudinal study of 1,364 children and their families from around the U.S. It began when the children were infants and ended when they were 15 years old. Once the young participants were old enough to speak, they were surveyed about the quality of their relationships with their fathers, mothers and best friends. Researchers also surveyed participants’ primary caregivers—who were mostly their mothers—and observed them interacting with their children. That study showed robust evidence that early experiences with caregivers matter for social development.
Between 2018 and 2022, 705 of the original participants, who by then were 26 to 31 years old, agreed to a follow-up study to collect information about their current relationships with their parents, best friends and romantic partners. For those 705 participants, Dugan and her colleagues analyzed associations between the quality of early relationships and later attachment styles in adulthood. They found several notable patterns. First, a person’s relationship with their mother tended to set the stage for their later attachment style in general, as well as for their specific approaches to individual relationships with friends, romantic partners and fathers. For instance, people who had more conflict with their mothers, were less close to their mothers or had mothers who were reportedly harsher and showed less warmth during childhood and adolescence tended to feel more insecure in their adult relationships.
The researchers didn’t find many associations between participants’ relationships with their fathers and their future attachment styles—perhaps because most identified their mother as their primary caregiver. “This cohort’s first assessment was in 1991, and even though the burden of caregiving still heavily falls on mothers, fathers were even less involved back then, on average,” Dugan says. “In cases where a father was the primary caregiver, the results might be flipped—but we don’t have that data.”
Early experiences with close friends, though, were an even stronger predicter than maternal relationships for determining participants’ approach to—specifically—romantic relationships and friendships in adulthood. “In general, if you had high-quality friendships and felt connected to your friends in childhood, then you felt more secure in romantic relationships and friendships at age 30,” Dugan says. People who enjoyed increasingly close and deepening friendships across childhood and adolescence also showed significant gains in those departments as adults, she adds.
The participants were still in early adulthood in the most recent analysis, Gillath adds, so future work could examine whether the same early-life factors continue to be so influential throughout life—and how major life transitions, such as parenthood, bereavement or divorce, might reshape those dynamics. Single-parent families, multigenerational households and same-sex couples should also be studied in future research, Dugan says. Participants in the current study were nearly 80 percent white, so more racial and ethnic diversity is needed to get a truly representative sample, she adds.
Dugan also emphasizes that the findings do not mean the past inexorably dictates the tone of a person’s relationships in adulthood. “You’re definitely not doomed,” she says. Evidence supports that adult attachment styles can change in response to later life events and can even fluctuate month to month in response to both positive and negative relationship experiences. “These findings show attachment styles are malleable,” Dugan says. “You can have a not-so-great relationship with your parents and still develop a secure and healthy bond with a close friend or romantic partner in adulthood.”
To that end, Dugan and her colleagues are building a research-based interactive app for promoting secure attachments in both romantic relationships and adult friendships. “It starts with easy first tasks, like hugging a partner or sending an encouraging text to a friend, and then works up from there,” she says. “There’s always an opportunity to change your attachment style, and I’m excited about finding the most effective practical, concrete strategies for doing that.”
Rachel Nuwer is a science journalist and author. Her latest book is I Feel Love: MDMA and the Quest for Connection in a Fractured World (Bloomsbury, 2023). Follow her on Bluesky @rachelnuwer.bsky.social
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